THE FIRST BIZARRE ACCOUNT

Once upon a time, there was a bat. Yes, a bat. Everything about him screamed nondescript (We will refer to the bat as ‘him’ because he is very touchy about these matters and as I am currently writing this at gunpoint, it is solely in my interest to oblige to his slightest commands). Coming back to the point, the bat had one sole ambition. He wanted to conquer the universe. Laughably simple, is it not? For a bat with that big a head (ouch!) it probably was.

So one day, tired of zipping around the universe in his Bat Mobile, (Yes, this was THE original Bat Mobile, not the shoddy stuff that the humans copied for Batman in a pathetic attempt to capture its glory) he decided to land on a planet. This interestingly turned out to be Earth.

The Bat Mobile screamed as it fell through the atmosphere, and with a big ‘whoosh’ landed on the most unlikely roof imaginable. To be precise, it was mine. Of course, ‘landed’ isn’t exactly what I meant. ‘Blew a four foot hole through the roof’ is more like what happened. The Bat Mobile landed in my wastepaper basket, and I, who was watching nearby wide-eyed, could only think of one thing- What would my mother say when she saw the mess? My best bet was that she would think I was armed and dangerous.

Well, to cut a long story short, the bat climbed out of the Bat Mobile and pointed a cute little gun at my forehead. Seeing this bizarre little bat, my first reaction was to laugh. Wrong move. Calmly he pointed the gun at my bookcase and blew a two foot hole in it and smirked. This shut me up.

I then said something very intelligent. “Wha… Whaddya want?” I blubbered.
The bat eyed me and then sighed, “Take me to your… President.” He checked up the term on Earthspeak.bat
“But I am not on a first name basis with the President” I protested.
The bat sighed again. “Well then, give me something with which I can communicate with him.”
“Oh, I have an idea. Why don’t I record what you want to say, and then put it on YouTube?” I said excitedly.
“Okay. What does that mean, Earthling?” The bat said, looking confused.
I explained the concept to him, and he visibly brightened. “That would be capital!”
“Err… Okay. There you go. It’s recording.”

Here is what he said.

“Hello dear Earthlings. I have something to say to you. You are not the sole intelligent beings on this planet. There are others… Others with power unimaginable who control this planet. We are the ones who control this planet though you do not have the slightest inkling of our activities. But now we are tired of hiding. Though I am not their representative my brethren have told me of their predicament and I sympathize. So I have come to be their saviour. They do not want to harm you or else they could have vapourised you in an instant if they wished to. I hope you realize the dire gravity of your situation. If you do not concede to our demands you will die. And our demands are very simple. We have found a planet for you in a parallel galaxy. It is larger than this hole you live in and much more comfortable. The only problem is that it is inhabited by the Gastric Grislers, who for your information are grisly monsters who kill you the moment they see you. But that shouldn’t be a problem should it? We give you a timeline of one batore which is approximately eleven Earth months. If you do not go, then may The Almighty Batt have mercy on your soul. Goodbye, dear Earthlings…” he finished.

I was thunderstruck. The bat calmly picked up my jaw from the ground (this is strictly metaphoric) and threw his gun at me which started hovering near my ear. He told me to write a full account of his doings and upload the video and zipped away in his Bat Mobile.

So as I write this, I know I have become an unwary witness of something that I should NOT have witnessesed. But these things keep happening. And so, till my next installment of ‘Bizarre Accounts by a Mad Writer’ I bid you farewell. Adieu.

NOT-SO-DESPICABLE ME

They are the shadows in the dark, the blood on the walls; Mephistophelian, they roam the darkness, extinguishing all that is pure, seeping into the lives of innocent men and women, like a noxious gas that brings no good. They plot schemes that bring about the downfall of all those who have sworn to protect; they hatch plans that inter the already dying ideals of faith and humanity. They are… Now wait just a minute. Where are the super villains I was just describing? What happened to fictitious characters like The Joker, arch-nemesis of the Batman, with his warped view of the world, sadistic sense of humour, a schizophrenic clown with that hideous smile carved on his face that says “why so serious?”? What happened to Dr. Doom, the genius inventor, sorcerer, pure evil personified, enemy of The Fantastic Four? What happened to Lex Luthor, Dr. Octopus, Darth Vader, Jabba the Hutt, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Venom and Bane?

An incompetent villain is like incidental music with too much pizzicato violin plonking. A mediocre villain makes your hero, and all the other characters, look proportionately less impressive as well. And there's nothing more unimpressive than a villain who's got a mental block against disposing of his or her nemesis.
So let’s see the top 5 not-badass-at-all villains that have been left at our door, for us to endure.

 #5. Heinz Doofenshmirtz 

He is a 47 year-old mad scientist appearing on the popular TV show Phineas and Ferb. He is the head of Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., but there is nothing evil about this character. Admittedly he attempts to wreck havoc on “the entire Tri-State Area and then the world!” but always ends up being beaten by Perry the Platypus. He is so used to being foiled that he tends to be upset on the few occasions when Perry does not stand in his way. The only thing impressive about him is his purchased doctorate off the internet under the pseudonym StrudelCutie4427.

#4. Rainbow Raider

With a name like Roy G. Bivolo, (ROYGBIV, a mnemonic for the colours of the rainbow), everyone thought he was destined to be an artist. There was a teensy problem though. He was colourblind. He thought he painted beautiful pictures only to be told they were made up of clashing colours due to his itty bitty problem. His father, saddened by this, made him a sophisticated pair of goggles that would allow Roy to create beams of solid rainbow-colored light. But Roy, tired of the unappreciative world, turned these goggles to sinister use, taking the name of Rainbow Raider as he has the insidious power to affect people’s emotions by coating them in a specific color. How very ingenious and diabolical. I’m sorry, this is as scary as a leprechaun putting on a pair of bull’s horns and charging at you. 

Seriously, Rainbow the Clown, from The Power Puff Girls, is scarier.

#3. The Team Rocket Trio

At first sight, you’d think they were the perfect villainous trio, what with their epic motto and credentials. But as the Pokémon series progress, all you can feel is frustrated. If you really want Ash Ketchum’s Pikachu that much, then hatch a better plan and TAKE HIM! The trio consists of Jessie, the aggressive one, James, the effeminate one, and Meowth, the one who hatches all the plans to please their boss Giovanni, who considers the trio to be incompetent. As they are.

Team Rocket blasts off again?

#2. Kite Man

The idea of a Kite Man was flawed from the start, because choosing such an unwieldy method of transport left him open to freak gusts of wind. If that wasn't enough, the colour of his costume was pink. Baby pink, to be precise. Decidedly emasculating for a villain. And if that wasn't enough, his method of attack was to throw kites at people. That didn't even hurt in kindergarten. Utterly useless, he met his end by falling off a tower (without his kite obviously), somehow surviving, but then being eaten in jail in Gotham City by Bruno Mannheim. It served him right. He was such a wuss, he didn’t even join the Secret Society of Super Villains in Gotham City. Perhaps, the only redeeming quality of this character is that he was named after Charlie Brown, the main character in Peanuts who has a notable fondness for flying kites.

And for the crowning glory...

#1. Condiment King

You might as well call him the Mustardy Ketchup Man. He makes use of various condiments, notably ketchup and mustard, to foil his enemy, Batman, but is almost never taken seriously, because of the ludicrous nature of his ‘powers’. His only real danger comes from the possibility of causing anaphylactic shock in his victim, who would have to a) exceedingly unlucky to be hit by a nut-based product and b) have forgotten to bring his EpiPen while out on a jaunt. Useful only for his potential as a punning device: frequently guilty of as-salt, you can't ketchup with him...even despite the fact that he just doesn't cut the mustard for us.

So here they were. Villains who don’t scare you in the least or put the fear of God in you. Shame on them. I shall, as always, end with a Parthian shot.

‘Bane could see it. Batman, pale, blinded by light, smeared with filth, dressed in tatters, so thin his ribs almost burst from his skin, his arms and legs flopping, drool leaking down his chin. And then he said, “Put fire to his feet. I want to hear him scream.”

That, my friends, is all what a super villain has to be. Diabolical, full of hatred, vindictive to the core, filling the dregs of humanity with a hatred so powerful it could make The Joker seem like a cheap trickster.

-Shoe.