They are the shadows in the dark, the blood on the walls; Mephistophelian, they roam the darkness, extinguishing all that is pure, seeping into the lives of innocent men and women, like a noxious gas that brings no good. They plot schemes that bring about the downfall of all those who have sworn to protect; they hatch plans that inter the already dying ideals of faith and humanity. They are… Now wait just a minute. Where are the super villains I was just describing? What happened to fictitious characters like The Joker, arch-nemesis of the Batman, with his warped view of the world, sadistic sense of humour, a schizophrenic clown with that hideous smile carved on his face that says “why so serious?”? What happened to Dr. Doom, the genius inventor, sorcerer, pure evil personified, enemy of The Fantastic Four? What happened to Lex Luthor, Dr. Octopus, Darth Vader, Jabba the Hutt, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Venom and Bane?
An incompetent villain is like incidental music with too much pizzicato violin plonking. A mediocre villain makes your hero, and all the other characters, look proportionately less impressive as well. And there's nothing more unimpressive than a villain who's got a mental block against disposing of his or her nemesis.
So let’s see the top 5 not-badass-at-all villains that have been left at our door, for us to endure.
#5. Heinz Doofenshmirtz
He is a 47 year-old mad scientist appearing on the popular TV show Phineas and Ferb. He is the head of Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., but there is nothing evil about this character. Admittedly he attempts to wreck havoc on “the entire Tri-State Area and then the world!” but always ends up being beaten by Perry the Platypus. He is so used to being foiled that he tends to be upset on the few occasions when Perry does not stand in his way. The only thing impressive about him is his purchased doctorate off the internet under the pseudonym StrudelCutie4427.
#4. Rainbow Raider
With a name like Roy G. Bivolo, (ROYGBIV, a mnemonic for the colours of the rainbow), everyone thought he was destined to be an artist. There was a teensy problem though. He was colourblind. He thought he painted beautiful pictures only to be told they were made up of clashing colours due to his itty bitty problem. His father, saddened by this, made him a sophisticated pair of goggles that would allow Roy to create beams of solid rainbow-colored light. But Roy, tired of the unappreciative world, turned these goggles to sinister use, taking the name of Rainbow Raider as he has the insidious power to affect people’s emotions by coating them in a specific color. How very ingenious and diabolical. I’m sorry, this is as scary as a leprechaun putting on a pair of bull’s horns and charging at you.
 |
| Seriously, Rainbow the Clown, from The Power Puff Girls, is scarier. |
#3. The Team Rocket Trio
At first sight, you’d think they were the perfect villainous trio, what with their epic motto and credentials. But as the Pokémon series progress, all you can feel is frustrated. If you really want Ash Ketchum’s Pikachu that much, then hatch a better plan and TAKE HIM! The trio consists of Jessie, the aggressive one, James, the effeminate one, and Meowth, the one who hatches all the plans to please their boss Giovanni, who considers the trio to be incompetent. As they are.
 |
| Team Rocket blasts off again? |
#2. Kite Man
The idea of a Kite Man was flawed from the start, because choosing such an unwieldy method of transport left him open to freak gusts of wind. If that wasn't enough, the colour of his costume was pink. Baby pink, to be precise. Decidedly emasculating for a villain. And if that wasn't enough, his method of attack was to throw kites at people. That didn't even hurt in kindergarten. Utterly useless, he met his end by falling off a tower (without his kite obviously), somehow surviving, but then being eaten in jail in Gotham City by Bruno Mannheim. It served him right. He was such a wuss, he didn’t even join the Secret Society of Super Villains in Gotham City. Perhaps, the only redeeming quality of this character is that he was named after Charlie Brown, the main character in Peanuts who has a notable fondness for flying kites.
And for the crowning glory...
#1. Condiment King
You might as well call him the Mustardy Ketchup Man. He makes use of various condiments, notably ketchup and mustard, to foil his enemy, Batman, but is almost never taken seriously, because of the ludicrous nature of his ‘powers’. His only real danger comes from the possibility of causing anaphylactic shock in his victim, who would have to a) exceedingly unlucky to be hit by a nut-based product and b) have forgotten to bring his EpiPen while out on a jaunt. Useful only for his potential as a punning device: frequently guilty of as-salt, you can't ketchup with him...even despite the fact that he just doesn't cut the mustard for us.
So here they were. Villains who don’t scare you in the least or put the fear of God in you. Shame on them. I shall, as always, end with a Parthian shot.
‘Bane could see it. Batman, pale, blinded by light, smeared with filth, dressed in tatters, so thin his ribs almost burst from his skin, his arms and legs flopping, drool leaking down his chin. And then he said, “Put fire to his feet. I want to hear him scream.”
That, my friends, is all what a super villain has to be. Diabolical, full of hatred, vindictive to the core, filling the dregs of humanity with a hatred so powerful it could make The Joker seem like a cheap trickster.
-Shoe.
No comments:
Post a Comment