PAKISTAN'S SECRET GODFATHERS

Intelligence agencies. They are the watchers in the shadows, predators thirsty for information. They infiltrate every group, organization or operation that exists and effortlessly help their governments carry out bloodless (or are they?) coups d’état. Espionage, propaganda, cryptanalysis, sabotage; you name it and they’re behind it. They run a tight modus operandi where the strictest levels of hierarchy are maintained. But their biggest weapons are secrecy and stealth, which are of paramount importance and defection, particularly, leads to unpleasant consequences, something akin to the defector being hanged, drawn and quartered (figuratively).

I now talk particularly of the Pakistani Directorate for Inter-Services Intelligence or, as it is commonly known, the ISI. In the minds of many, this “borderless web of killers” has almost functioned as a shadow government, one that has used its ties to drug dealers and Islamic extremists to stir up trouble, not only in surrounding countries, but also within Pakistan itself. Nestling within the bosom of the Pakistani Army, the ISI sees no substantive differences between internal and external affairs and inserts its presence whenever it feels a threat to national security. The ISI has done what the Pakistani Army could never have dreamed of achieving. It has captured the very vitals of the nation, its tentacles spreading like a noxious gas across every nook and cranny. It's agents infiltrate the ranks of many, eavesdropping, and catching hold of dissident voices, influencing them to defect. These activities are usually clandestine and conducted in absolute secrecy as the explosive information obtained is usually through illegal means. But well, the good things in life are usually illegal, immoral or fattening!

Weakening the enemy is just as important as strengthening your own ranks. The ISI followed this maxim to perfection in the 1971 Indo-Pakistani War. The United States’ CIA and the ISI worked in tandem with the Nixon administration to fuel the Khalistan Movement in Punjab. This covert collaboration was also directed at discrediting Mrs. Indira Gandhi's international stature by sowing the seeds of doubt and spreading disinformation about alleged naval base facilities granted by her to the USSR.  This collaboration petered out after her assassination in October,1984.

The Afghan war of the 1980s saw the enhancement of the covert action capabilities of the ISI by the CIA.  A number of officers from the ISI received training in the US to guide it in its operations against the Soviet troops by using the Afghan Mujahideen, Islamic fundamentalists of Pakistan and Arab volunteers.  Osama bin Laden, Mir Aimal Kansi, who assassinated two CIA officers, Ramzi Yousef and his accomplices involved in the New York World Trade Centre explosion in February, 1993, the leaders of the Muslim separatist movement in the southern Philippines and even many of the narcotics smugglers of Pakistan were the products of the ISI-CIA collaboration in Afghanistan.

By now you may have gathered that the ISI is definitely not an organization to be trifled with. It can trigger blasts in remote places, fuel communal riots in peaceful cities and annihilate public places in a single blast. There is not a city in the country which doesn't have either an active or a sleeper agent of the ISI. This agent can be your friendly next door neighbour or the local tailor or a businessman. They have been brainwashed or inculcated into the fold by the ISI either by financial allurement or in the name of religion. Whatever might be the provocation, the ISI agents are motivated enough to carry out the orders of their masters in Islamabad.  They are known as Pakistan’s Secret Godfathers for a reason after all.

THE REDUNDANCY OF A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR

“No more the knight, in shining armor dress'd
Opposes the pointed lance in his breast…”

Once there was a time when every little boy wanted to be a knight. They were something to be admired and yes, feared. Dressed in glittering steel, lances dipped in molten gold, blazing swords in hand; they dispatched off their enemies in a single blow and won favors from their ladies in tourneys and battles alike. Glib of tongue and bold of hand, they fenced with both words and swords. And they were armored in more than steel. Gallantry was a predominant part of the traits they displayed. A gallant knight is a beautiful thing. Knight errantry included rescuing fair maidens from foul creatures, emancipating princesses, known for the bewitching quality of their beauty, locked up in castles guarded by fire-breathing dragons that petrified lesser mortals but never hindered those magnificent knights, drunk in their lust for blood and battle and single combat. Snarling, those creatures of fire and blood would reach out to cleave their body from shoulder to hip, ripping the very entrails off the knights, but somehow, every single time, the knights prevailed. With their weapons to hand, fair lady’s name on lips and a song in their heart, they would proceed to destroy the dragon, plunging swords of steel into its fiery heart and then rescue the princess from the tower, a princess whose reputation as a beautiful and charming creature, full of wit and vivacity preceded her.

The 21st century brought about innumerable changes, one of which was that these ‘princesses’ no longer needed rescuing. They still remained beautiful, charming and vivacious, but they acquired a certain steely quality to them which was a marvel to behold. Strong, businesslike women, with a full head upon their shoulders, who knew what to do and how to do it, became the norm. They walked upright in all of their glory, beauty and splendor. But most of all, their intrinsic strength and diligence finally woke up the world to what power the descendents Eve could wield when she set her mind to it. So here’s to five women today, in five different fields, who made a name for themselves, by themselves and brought back the days when women were like the Spartans: Courageous, bold and their own persons, bloodthirstily so.

POLITICS: ANGELA MERKEL

"There is no alternative"

When thinking of powerful women in politics, Hillary Clinton may be the first one to come to mind. I mean, U.S. Secretary of State? But there is another. One more powerful and influential. The second Iron Lady after Margaret Thatcher. A woman who has ruthlessly risen from the profession of a physical chemist to the de facto leader of the European Union. The incumbent German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. 

BUSINESS: INDRA NOOYI

"When I was president of this company I thought 'Okay I can do this- piece of cake'"

"Pepsi! Change the game!" How many times have we heard this slogan, blaring on our televisions while we sit down to watch the IPL? But have we ever thought of the force behind the giant American multinational company PepsiCo, that manufactures this wonderful beverage? CEO Indra Nooyi is an extremely controversial woman, but not less powerful because of it, breaking glass ceilings, making her presence felt in the food processing industry. For PepsiCo does come under that after its acquisitions of Tropicana, Frito-Lay and Quaker Foods. This woman also seems to have a great sense of humour which came across when she delivered a commencement address at Columbia University’s business school. Briefly, she compared the human hand to the economic and political powers of the world, saving the middle finger for the U.S. She knew what she was doing: “If used inappropriately – just like the U.S. itself – the middle finger can convey a negative message and get us in trouble.” And trouble she got, although she declined to give the students a demonstration of that particular point in her speech. It was an extremely witty and even profound analogy, but apparently some people's senses of humour are not very developed.

MEDIA: OPRAH WINFREY

Genius, Billionaire, Playgirl, Philanthropist

Genius. Billionaire. Playgirl. Philanthropist. This woman broke the chains of poverty and squalor and was ranked the richest African-American of the 20th century and one of the most influential women in the world on account of her running a self-titled, multi-award-winning talk show, which has become the highest-rated program of its kind in history and was nationally syndicated from 1986 to 2011, the Oprah Winfrey Show. She revolutionized the tabloid talk show genre, known to be pioneered by Phil Donahue, and focused on literature (don't I just adore this woman), self-improvement and spirituality. She achieved all of this after facing numerous adversities that would have daunted a lesser man. Born in poverty to an unmarried teenage mother, she wore potato sacks to school as dresses on account of their extreme abjection, molested by various family members (ones she looked upto, in fact) at the age of 9, she ran away from home at 13 and gave birth to a little baby boy at 14, who died a few months later, the list just goes on. But she never gave up. And went on to become one of the richest people in the world. This, surely, is one woman to emulate.

NON-PROFIT: JOSETTE SHEERAN

"Committed to improving the state of the world"

When she was the executive director of the UN World Food Programme, she saw the largest humanitarian agency fight hunger around the globe.She believes that hunger and poverty must and can be solved through both immediate actions and long-term policies. At the Millennium Development Goal Summit in 2010, she outlined 10 ways the world can end hunger. They include providing school meals, connecting small farmers to markets, empowering women and building the resiliency of vulnerable communities. She has a long history of helping others. Currently she holds the position of Vice Chairman at the World Economic Forum. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Josette Sheeran, who has led the fight against hunger in numerous third world countries, from the frontlines because let me tell you, she is not one to be content with a desk job. An extraordinarily committeed and well qualified woman, she deserves to be on this list because everything she has achieved is due to her own merit, unlike a few others who dispense inherited money everywhere. While that is an extremely noble thing to do (of course it is!), I feel that Josette Sheeran's achievements in this field are not to be ignored. Here's something that might convince you.

SPORTS-MOUNTAINEERING: ALISON HARGREAVES

A dream to scale the three highest peaks in the world.

She might not be the first woman to climb Mount Everest but she's the only one who climbed it solo. Without supplementary oxygen. And all the other great north faces of the Alps in a single season, which included climbing the famously difficult north face of the Eiger in the Alps in 1993. And she did all of the aforementioned feats alone. But the most amazing fact yet, is that she did a lot of the major climbs while she was pregnant. She died while scaling Mount Godwin Austen (K2) in August 1995. She has been described by many as an unfit mother and spouse but I have enormous respect for what she did and the way she was so completely her own individual, following her dreams and career. Also, our birth dates coincide.

These were five women, each different in her own way. But all of them have one thing in common and that is determination, fortitude and a slight audacity to do whatever their wont. Seriously, they make the phrase 'Knight in shining armor' an extremely outdated one.

I shall end things with a very appropriate (isn't it always?) quote:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. "

P. S. Remember, women are helpless only until their nailpolish dries.

-Shoe.

ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN: A LETTER

Hello!

I just had an epiphany. After seeing multitudinous blogs spring up everywhere, some of them authored by my best friends (who let me tell you, are pretty darn amazing at writing), I realized something that they have and I don’t, although my blog’s been on the bandwagon longer than theirs. And that, friends, Romans and countrymen, is an introduction.

Firstly, I would like to clarify that neither do I put myself on a pedestal thinking I’m a genius, nor do I require the many creature comforts of an asylum; as the description of the blog may divulge. The name of the blog was actually derived from the quote by Oscar Levant that says, “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” This got me onto thinking about how all of us are treading a very fine line and trying to pull off a balancing act, walking on eggshells all day, every day, conforming to societal norms and peer pressure. I mean, as a seventeen year old adolescent, I have had to fit into several images of nerd, idiot, agony aunt (this most of all), writer, editor, best friend, and the list just goes on. They now feel like worn out socks but I haven’t found the one with the best fit… Yet. So now, I just want to do what I like to do best: Write about anything and everything under the sun; from how Le Chat Noir is actually French cabaret and not literally a Black Cat (as most Facebook pages would like to suggest) to why the Schrodinger’s Cat paradigm exists, when of course it would smell to the high heavens after it died (Duh. I don’t know why scientists have to complicate everything). So welcome to Treading That Line. I hope (for the first time EVER) that you overstay your welcome.

Au revoir mes amis,
Shoe.

P.S. I’m not obsessed about cats.

'MEME'ICRY

This one’s for you and meme!

Okay, bad joke. But true nevertheless. These days our entire virtual world seems to be full of memes. Everywhere you look, you find one friend sharing a meme with another because of its intrinsic humorous value. They have become such an important part of our adolescent lives that we’ve even started COMMUNICATING through memes. One of my friends loves saying, “Y U NO DO THIS?!” and another had a meme war with her uncle. This new fad for memes escalated to such an extent that we just threw a surprise birthday party for our best friend with a ‘meme theme’. All of us wore meme masks and screamed “SURPRISE”, and frankly he looked a tad bit scared when he entered.

Who wouldn’t be, after seeing a face like this screaming, “SURPRISE”.

For the uneducated (or simply lazy) who’ve never heard of them, memes, or if you’re a pricy terminologist, internet memes are essentially ideas prevalent throughout the Internet spreading like wildfire for no logical reason at all, distracting us from whatever we’re doing or would like to be doing (Pshh Board preparations!) because of their droll nature. The word ‘meme’ was used by Richard Dawkins in his work ‘A Selfish Gene’ in 1976 wherein it became virulent in just a few hours. Rage comics are an essential part of meme-ing and are usually simple cartoon drawings of a person expressing a readily identifiable emotion. Since the first ever one expressed rage, the name stuck on as ‘rage’ comics although it isn’t always the emotion expressed.

So now, since we’ve got that history lesson behind us (I’m a Humanities student, what can I say?) let’s move on to the cool part. The part where I describe in detail five rage comics which have become famous solely because they mimic a certain person’s expressions.

#5. Butthurt Dweller

Beware. The mug on this rage face is clearly unattractive. But you know him. He’s that one guy you always find everywhere, sorely lacking any aesthetic approbation or seeming to have none of the recommendations that prove him to be a quality member of the human race and yet manages to achieve superiority over every other person. This fellow, unshaven, pimply, with long greasy hair yet a receding hairline, bespectacled and scruffy, still sports a smug, smarmy look that makes you feel inferior to him. Giving no acquiescence to his unseemliness, he considers himself above each and every person around and the memes reflect that. He’s usually the one with no formal education, still living with his parents, no means of livelihood, usually found either in his room behind a video game console or sequestered in the local bar, shunned from society because of his distasteful, judgmental behavior. This meme also goes by the name of ‘Gordon Granudo’. This comic was inspired by a certain Finnish gentleman known as KimmoKM.

#4 Are You Serious? Rage Face

The ‘Are you serious?/Seriously?’ rage face is a comic drawing of a perplexed looking David Silverman of American Atheists, captured when he was engaged in a hot debate with Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. The dialogue went somewhat like this:

O’Reilly: I’ll tell you why [religion is] not a scam, in my opinion. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that. You can’t explain why the tide goes in.

                                     

Silverman: Tide goes in, tide goes out?!”

O’Reilly: The water, the tide- it comes in and it goes out. It always goes in, then it goes out. … You can’t explain that. You can’t explain it.

Yes. I’m speechless too because if a highly educated member of the press does not know elementary science, then what hope lies for us mortals?

#3. Obama Rage Face

This rage comic was sparked off when President Barrack Obama was spotted wearing a sturgeon face in a press conference during an official visit to the UK. This comic has come to represent the emotion that one feels when everything goes better than was expected.

Just what did they see?

This photo was later anointed the ‘picture of the day’ by the British news media. It made rounds on social networking sites and sites like ‘9gag.com’ and ‘photofails.com’. Later the words ‘Not Bad’ got attached to the rage comic and it was used whenever something was approved by the creator.

#2. You Don’t Say?

This rage comic is my personal favourite as its inherent sarcasm is very endearing. It is a comic drawing of actor Nicolas Cage and is used whenever someone makes an extremely obvious or stupid statement.  The image of Nicolas Cage was taken from a scene in the 1988 black comedy movie Vampire’s Kiss’, which revolves around a troubled young literary agent’s descent into insanity after convincing himself that he is turning into a vampire. This unique facial expression was taken from a particular scene in which Cage’s character Peter Loew torments his secretary in a very diabolical manner accompanied, of course, by the obvious accoutrements- Scary violins in the backgrounds, the secretary’s mousy, albeit terrified, appearance and Cage’s gooseberry eyes popping out. It’s scary. Brr.

#1. True Story

This is it. The big one. The one we’ve all been waiting for. The True Story rage face inspired by Neil Patrick Harris or (as we all know him) Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, smiling paternally, holding a wine glass aloft. It often appears at the end of rage comics indicating that it was based on a true story even when it seems to be obviously spurious. In the series, Stinson often uses the catchphrase ‘True Story’ at the end of every anecdote, for example:

True story Mr. Stinson, true story indeed.

So here they were. Rage comics that mimicked the facial expressions of both the well known and the obscure alike. Rage comics that have become an essential part of our lives. And rage comics that will hopefully live on and endure.

Shuchita.

CONTROVERSY, THY NAME IS AL JAZEERA

Etymologically, Al Jazeera means ‘The Island’ (ironic, considering how it actually describes the Arabian Peninsula). Politically, it is one of the most controversial news agencies of all time, what with its willingness to broadcast dissenting views and circumvent censorship to contribute to the free exchange of information in the Arab world. Globally, it has turned out to be one of the most influential brands, just lagging behind Starbucks and is the most watched news channel on YouTube, receiving 2.5 million views per month.

Al Jazeera is an independent news agency owned by the State of Qatar, headquartered in Doha. It caught worldwide attention when it was the only channel to cover the war in Afghanistan following 9/11, when the US was eager to follow Osama bin Laden on a wild goose chase. Its facilities and exclusive footage was also highly sought after during the US-led invasion of Iraq in 2003. The channel’s tremendous popularity has also, for better or worse, made it a shaper of public opinion. Its coverage often determines what becomes a story and what does not, as well as how Arab viewers think about issues. Whether in Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan, or Syria, the stories highlighted and the criticisms aired by guests on Al Jazeera’s news programs have often significantly affected the course of events in the region.

For SMUN 2012-2013, Al Jazeera has a team of journalists so brilliant, they could give Pulitzer a run for his money. Abhishek Bhan will be sending hourly reports on the ‘critical’ situation that will indubitably develop in the Crisis committee; Ankita Nanda describing the perspicacity of the Delegates in the Historical General Assembly; Sukaina Husain elucidating the various laws the Legal committee is bound to interpret; Akshara Anarjita enumerating the proceedings of the Commission for the Status of Women; Prajesh Kochandy painting a lurid image of the events unfolding in the Disarmament and International Security or the DISEC committee and Arundhati Srivastava giving us all an overview of the MUN, from the point of view of Al Jazeera, of course. Shannon Mathew is our official photographer who will be shadowing you all noiselessly, incessantly capturing committee proceedings.

 So beware. Beware of the blatant carnage that will undoubtedly be let loose on Thursday. I hope to see you all debating seriously, discussing your agendas logically and above all, having fun with unmatched ferocity.

Signing off,

Shuchita Goel

(Editor, Al Jazeera, International Press, SMUN'12)

TOO FAST, TOO FURIOUS

I see an insect in my room. It moves very fast, buzzing off from one wall to another. Only one significant thing makes me stare at it (except for the obvious reason that I don’t want it in my hair). Though it moves very fast, after a span of some seconds it jerks to a complete halt. When this happens repeatedly, I am irresistibly reminded of the timeless tale of ‘The Hare and the Tortoise’. The hare skittles ahead in a burst of speed, gets tired in a matter of minutes and takes a short nap. The tortoise plods on valiantly, never giving up hope, and lo and behold! He wins the race!
So the point of this little anecdote was that people try to forge ahead with full steam only to get tired and eventually they slam into an invisible wall which they don’t seem to able to penetrate. This happens because they went about their work too fast and furiously tried to complete something, which under appropriate circumstances, should have taken a reasonable amount of time and patience. It’s just like a painting. The slower you make it, the more attention you pay to details and the more perfect it turns out to be! The same can be said for writing books. Vikram Seth took a REALLY long time to write ‘A Suitable Boy’ and J.R.R. Tolkien took an even longer time to write ‘The Lord of the Rings’ and look at perfection of the results!
So all I’m saying folks, is take it easy, do stuff with patience, don’t give up hope when the going gets
rough and don’t join the ranks of the fast, especially not the furious!

He seems to have received the message

THE FIRST BIZARRE ACCOUNT

Once upon a time, there was a bat. Yes, a bat. Everything about him screamed nondescript (We will refer to the bat as ‘him’ because he is very touchy about these matters and as I am currently writing this at gunpoint, it is solely in my interest to oblige to his slightest commands). Coming back to the point, the bat had one sole ambition. He wanted to conquer the universe. Laughably simple, is it not? For a bat with that big a head (ouch!) it probably was.

So one day, tired of zipping around the universe in his Bat Mobile, (Yes, this was THE original Bat Mobile, not the shoddy stuff that the humans copied for Batman in a pathetic attempt to capture its glory) he decided to land on a planet. This interestingly turned out to be Earth.

The Bat Mobile screamed as it fell through the atmosphere, and with a big ‘whoosh’ landed on the most unlikely roof imaginable. To be precise, it was mine. Of course, ‘landed’ isn’t exactly what I meant. ‘Blew a four foot hole through the roof’ is more like what happened. The Bat Mobile landed in my wastepaper basket, and I, who was watching nearby wide-eyed, could only think of one thing- What would my mother say when she saw the mess? My best bet was that she would think I was armed and dangerous.

Well, to cut a long story short, the bat climbed out of the Bat Mobile and pointed a cute little gun at my forehead. Seeing this bizarre little bat, my first reaction was to laugh. Wrong move. Calmly he pointed the gun at my bookcase and blew a two foot hole in it and smirked. This shut me up.

I then said something very intelligent. “Wha… Whaddya want?” I blubbered.
The bat eyed me and then sighed, “Take me to your… President.” He checked up the term on Earthspeak.bat
“But I am not on a first name basis with the President” I protested.
The bat sighed again. “Well then, give me something with which I can communicate with him.”
“Oh, I have an idea. Why don’t I record what you want to say, and then put it on YouTube?” I said excitedly.
“Okay. What does that mean, Earthling?” The bat said, looking confused.
I explained the concept to him, and he visibly brightened. “That would be capital!”
“Err… Okay. There you go. It’s recording.”

Here is what he said.

“Hello dear Earthlings. I have something to say to you. You are not the sole intelligent beings on this planet. There are others… Others with power unimaginable who control this planet. We are the ones who control this planet though you do not have the slightest inkling of our activities. But now we are tired of hiding. Though I am not their representative my brethren have told me of their predicament and I sympathize. So I have come to be their saviour. They do not want to harm you or else they could have vapourised you in an instant if they wished to. I hope you realize the dire gravity of your situation. If you do not concede to our demands you will die. And our demands are very simple. We have found a planet for you in a parallel galaxy. It is larger than this hole you live in and much more comfortable. The only problem is that it is inhabited by the Gastric Grislers, who for your information are grisly monsters who kill you the moment they see you. But that shouldn’t be a problem should it? We give you a timeline of one batore which is approximately eleven Earth months. If you do not go, then may The Almighty Batt have mercy on your soul. Goodbye, dear Earthlings…” he finished.

I was thunderstruck. The bat calmly picked up my jaw from the ground (this is strictly metaphoric) and threw his gun at me which started hovering near my ear. He told me to write a full account of his doings and upload the video and zipped away in his Bat Mobile.

So as I write this, I know I have become an unwary witness of something that I should NOT have witnessesed. But these things keep happening. And so, till my next installment of ‘Bizarre Accounts by a Mad Writer’ I bid you farewell. Adieu.